It’s been some time fantasy football fans, but we are back to our scheduled programming. Football is upon us and fantasy football is in full effect. Monday night will conclude Week 6 of the season and I feel it’s time we let people in on what’s been happening.
For starters, yours truly has taken quite the interest in golf. Since the punishment of ’22, I have made it my goal to excel in the realm of the greens. 9 holes, 18 holes, and even 36 holes have been played on a weekly basis on the road to breaking 100. Even today before the 1 o’clock games got started, I posted a horrendous 123 playing off of the mixed tees.
It’s going to be a long and disgustingly disappointing road, but I have the utmost support from site manager Frank, assistance commissioner Greg, and Bills-Stan Keegan. Detractors such as 3x Sacko Jordan Marchfeld have done nothing but pray for my downfall.
But despite my terrible golfing these past three months, the fantasy football season is shaping up to be an exciting one. Let’s begin by giving an update on my personal journey this year.
The beginning of the year was shaping up to be yet another wash. My season ended last year with a devastating loss to Jordan and I was thus crowned Sacko. This did not lead me to believe that the 2023 season was my year. Lo and behold, I am soon to be 4-2 (went 4-10 last season) and I have one of the hottest teams in the league. Led by veteran Raheem Mostert, my team has managed to score over 100 points in all 6 games this year (10 total last year) and after this weeks league leading performance, I will be sitting soundly as the 3rd place teams in the overall standings. Other important highlights from my team include: the resurrection of the white hope (not Jesus) Adam Thielen, the young dancer Jaylen Waddle and recently acquired Kyren Williams (please don’t hurt me McVay).
There have been some lows – notably from Deebo Samuel who posted a 0.6 in a 4 point loss to Frank the Tank – but all-in-all, Deshaun’s Rub and Tug is shaping up to be a dangerous playoff contender akin to the franchise’s previous form back in 2015.
Now let’s briefly look into how other franchises are faring this season.
SUTTON TO BELIEVE IN
Talk about a shit show. Josh’s meager franchise of once consistent prominence has now been relegated to obscure relevance and is looking to be a repeat bottom 4 team. The franchise has been on a downward spiral since his Naomi Bowl loss in 2019 and they have not recovered. While Josh will take away a victory this current week due to Keegan’s disgusting reliance on the Buffalo Bills, his team will be sitting at 2-4 and remain the 9th place team. It’s no secret that he’s not aiming very high this year as he’s been attempting to accrue draft capital – so maybe this performance is par for the course. This is what he wants – but honestly his team can’t do much better even if he tried.
BREECE’D UP DEAF GUY
What a juggernaut of a team and my predication for Naomi Bowl champion this season (and every season until he gets one). Let me break it down for those of you who clearly don’t understand. This team has no weaknesses. QB is his weakest position with Joe Cool – a Luke warm start to the season, but he’s ramping up. Plenty of other franchises would love to say “Yeah my worst starter is Joe Burrow.” Greg is diced to the socks at RB with Walker, Breece Hall, Dobbins (if he’s ever alive again), and Achane. Four young studs who will carry him to the playoffs for the foreseeable future (too many entendres to count in that sentence). And yet somehow, his WRs are even better: Tyreek Hill, DJ Moore, Keenan Allen, and Hollywood Brown – four guys in the top 12! At tight end, he has Mark Andrews. ‘Nuff said. He’s our league leader in 1st place and I don’t see that changing for the entirety of the season. Roll Greg
BLOCKHEAD BOYS
The hype for this team was nauseating this offseason. Everyone has Ryan as the number 1 or number 2 team in the league. And what does he have to show for such high hopes? A 3-3 record including a loss to Jordan! Don’t get me wrong, I think this is a solid team, but man have these players underperformed and/or lost a step in a year’s time. Ryan’s leading the middle of the pack, but has been with extremely disappointing performances from the likes of Jonathan Taylor, DeAndre Hopkins, and Tyler Lockett, I’m not sure this team can bounce back. Additionally, Justin Jefferson is now on IR and will be out for weeks – not good!
KITTLES AND BLITZ
Man do I despise this team and it’s Mickey Mouse ring. Don has accomplished what only two other franchises have: win two Naomi Bowl championships – albeit I’m going to forever place a well-deserved asterisk on the second one. Despite his dominance last year, Don is off to a rough start – akin to his 2021 championship run. He’s currently sitting as the best 2-4 team, rounding off the bottom four. One could say he’s had an unlucky break – an injured Cooper Kupp, an injured Chubb, an underperforming Kittle, turmoil at QB – but I say screw this guy. He stole a ring from poor Stove and now this is fantasy karma coming back to him. If he gets hot, we’ll all need to watch out come playoff time. But if it were up to me, I’d have him in the Sacko bowl 10 times out of 10.
JAFARIS JAMAR JAFARISON-LAMAR
Another team seeking a rebuild. Jason was once feared by the league – so much so there were talks of rule changes that would limit his rule. He is now a husk of his former glory. Zeke and OBJ are of no use, Saquon has been injured, and Kadarius Toney has proven to be the biggest reach in league history. There are some bright spots however. He has some young WRs that are more than pulling their weight and two phenomenal QBs. Jason has accrued absurd amounts of draft capital this season – at the cost of wins and glory. But he’s stated that he wants it this way. Be on the look out for a potential comeback for the ages from this franchise in the next 2-3 years.
CHALUPA BATMANS
The unofficial Sacko of ’22 – just squeaked by right at the end to put me in the dumps. And Jordan is on that path yet again. He is currently in last place and plans to remain as such for the foreseeable future with hopes to once again evade the title of Sacko. Now this team has been in shambles for years now. I truly don’t know what Jordan is doing besides managing a losing team at this point. While it seems like he’s slowly building back up, I fail to see the full picture he has envisioned. Maybe I need a new contact prescription or maybe Jordan is cluelessly flailing around like Josh in the bedroom (it’s a joke of course, he’s got a whole kid)
17+14=6
As previously stated, Keegan’s team is reliant on a real life team to find any semblance of success. When the Bills play poorly, Keegan loses. When they play well, Keegan wins. It’s a double-edged sword that has helped multiple franchises – including Keegan’s – into the promised land (no not Naomi’s glory hole). As it stands, Keegan is 4-2 holding a respectable 2nd place in the league. But how long can this last? With the return of Kupp, Keegan lost a powerhouse in Puka Nacua. And a recent injury to James Connor is leaving him desperate to fill his flex spots. With Alvin Kamara reemerging, Keegan will be poised to make the playoffs. But it’s very likely we’re looking at a 1st round bounce if he cannot hold onto the lead in his division.
FRANK THE TANK
Despite Frank’s feelings regarding this team, he’s sitting pretty despite the down year. Frank is currently 2-4 and in 8th place within the league. While that sounds unappealing, he’s currently in possession of two 1st round picks which will join his band of injured players next season to easily round out his roster. But while I’m seeing the bright side at the end of the tunnel for Frank, historically, this franchise doesn’t have what it takes. While Jordan’s team does not look poised for a rebound, he understands how to win (and REALLY understands how to lose). But Frank has won all of nothing. Since the league’s inception, he hasn’t finished higher than 3rd – which was the 1st season of the league. He’s never been in the conversation and he should be looking to change that with some better drafting and behavioral management of his players.
NEW STOVE IN THE KITCHEN
Last but most certainly not least is, the uncrowned champion Stove. Now in my heart and eyes, Stove is last year’s league champion. And this should be true for all others. Thanks to a bastardization of league scoring by our commissioner, Stove’s title was stripped from him. Complete kangaroo league.
Despite this setback, Stove is on a mission. Currently at 3-3, he’s smack dab in the middle after a brutal 0-3 start to the season. But he’s bounced back and the league should be on watch. Stove’s arsenal is nothing to fear for the future, but in the present, I see this team as a Naomi Bowl contender. First, you cannot go wrong with Mahomes and Kelce – we’re talking a free 40 per game. Then there’s the trio of Cook, Henry, and Robinson for a solid foundation of RBs that can either be rotated through or started all at once. The WR core is a bit weaker than you’d like but it’s good enough to squeak out wins – and wins are all that matters. It’s make or break for champion* Stove.
And there you have it folks. There are 8 more weeks in the regular season to look forward to. We’ll have another update for you come Thanksgiving. Until then, think freely. Sayonara.
Wasted Talent 