Before we begin with these Bios I want everyone to know that I did absolutely no research or fact checking before publishing. Enjoy.
STOVE:
Height: 6’4″
Weight: 185 lbs
Sexual Orientation: Straight-ish
Relationship Status: Mazel toved
Favorite Ice Cream: DQ’s new Cheeto Flavor Blast Blizzard
Draft Style: TBD
Coaching Ability’s: TBD
Trade Ability’s: TBD
Naomi Odds: 24
Sacko Odds: 24
Athleticism score: 78
Thing they find most interesting about themselves: He gets to frequently make 10 year olds cry on Rocket League
White Don:
Height: 5’7″
Weight: 170 lbs
Sexual Orientation: Straight-ish
Relationship Status: Getting Frisky
Favorite Ice Cream: Rocky Road
Draft Style: Injury Prone Magnet
Coaching Ability’s: Average at best sometimes doesn’t have a lot to work with while his team in the hospital
Trade Ability’s: 55
Naomi Odds: 12
Sacko Odds: 40
Athleticism score: 15 (based on recent competition but maybe overall cuz he lost hard, honestly difficult to watch)
Thing they find most interesting about themselves: His athletic ability cuz he played D1 Track (See above tab)
Black Don (Me):
Height: 6’0″
Weight: 180
Sexual Orientation: Frisky
Relationship Status: Locked down
Favorite Ice Cream: Mint Chocolate Chip
Draft Style: Hip fire
Coaching Ability’s: Classic over thinker
Trade Ability’s: Ya win some ya lose some
Naomi Odds: 79
Most Likely to: Have performed what ever weird sexual act you’ve been thinking about trying for the first time
Sacko Odds: 2
Athleticism score: 34
Thing they find most interesting about themselves: His ability to make anyone uncomfortable if he really wants to
Josh (GM)
Height:5’4″
Weight:215
Sexual Orientation: Tom Brady
Relationship Status: Owned
Favorite Ice Cream: Vanilla
Draft Style: Over hyped
Coaching Ability’s: Terrible
Trade Ability’s: Will offer any of his worst players for your best
Naomi Odds: 55
Most Likely to: Get mistaken for Matt Patricia
Sacko Odds: 15
Athleticism score: 27
Thing they find most interesting about themselves: His thick lushes beard
Jason
Height:4’9″ (Fun fact: This is the height in which you are still legally required to sit in a car seat)
Weight: 105
Sexual Orientation: Naomi
Relationship Status: He’s got the fever
Favorite Ice Cream: Allergic
Draft Style: Take from the needy give to the rich. But honestly really good as of late
Coaching Ability’s: He has very easy decisions to make with that team
Trade Ability’s: You know what you did.
Naomi Odds: 73
Most Likely to: Get defensive
Sacko Odds: 10
Athleticism score: 8
Thing they find most interesting about themselves: Going from 0 to hero and dominating this dynasty league
Ryan
Height: 6’1″
Weight: 230
Sexual Orientation: Any hole
Relationship Status: The same few new** holes for awhile now
Favorite Ice Cream: Human soft serve if you know what i mean 😉
Draft Style: Good
Coaching Ability’s: Above average
Trade Ability’s: Unmemorable
Naomi Odds: 65
Most Likely to: Drunkenly fucking literally any hole
Sacko Odds: 5
Athleticism score: 78
Thing they find most interesting about themselves: His meat head… Take that which ever way you’d like
Nick
Height: 5’10”
Weight: 165
Sexual Orientation: Straight (except with other nick)
Relationship Status: Also Owned
Favorite Ice Cream: Pistachios
Draft Style: Good
Coaching Ability’s: Good
Trade Ability’s: Above average
Naomi Odds: 25
Most Likely to: Beat White Don in anything
Sacko Odds: 38
Athleticism score: 77
Thing they find most interesting about themselves: His ability to throw a wiffle ball
Other Nick (current Sacko)
Gone but not forgotten.
Height: 5’8″
Weight: 180
Sexual Orientation: Straight (Except for with Nick)
Relationship Status: Off the Market
Favorite Ice Cream: Chocolate Fudge Swirl
Draft Style: Doesn’t pay attention
Coaching Ability’s: See Draft Style
Trade Ability’s: See Coaching Ability’s
Naomi Odds: 25
Most Likely to: Become a back to back Sacko
Sacko Odds: 83
Athleticism score: 55
Thing they find most interesting about themselves: He admits there is nothing interesting about him
Keegan (Current Naomi)
Height: 6’0″
Weight: 220
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Relationship Status: She’s got him now!
Favorite Ice Cream: Bubble gum (Fact: only a serial killer loves this ice cream)
Draft Style: Go bills
Coaching Ability’s: Ok
Trade Ability’s: It somehow worked out for him? Idk there is no god.
Naomi Odds: 62
Most Likely to: Tell you they are the expert in whatever you are currently talking about
Sacko Odds: 15
Athleticism score: 45 (used to be higher but age has taken its toll on this one)
Thing they find most interesting about themselves: I’d say that’s probably a ridiculously long list
Jordan
Height: 5’10”
Weight: 170
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Relationship Status: OWNED OWNED
Favorite Ice Cream: Sherbet
Draft Style: Does just fine. Neither here nor there
Coaching Ability’s: Cocky son a bitch
Trade Ability’s: Can’t remember any.
Naomi Odds: 29
Most Likely to: Marry a good Jewish girl just like his mama wants.
Sacko Odds: 37
Athleticism score: 13
Thing they find most interesting about themselves: That he lives in Jersey. Idk why he thinks that’s interesting though.
GT (Should be GM)
Height: 5’11”
Weight: 169
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Relationship Status: Couples instagram page…
Favorite Ice Cream: Oreo Ice Cream
Draft Style: Strong
Coaching Ability’s: Also Strong
Trade Ability’s: Fair and Balanced
Naomi Odds: 59
Most Likely to: Become GM of the league
Sacko Odds: 10
Athleticism score: 70
Thing they find most interesting about themselves: That if he went full rage mode he could kick everyone’s ass in this league
Wasted Talent 