Good evening cowards. Since no one else has the balls to put out some pre-draft content during the slowest part of the offseason, leave it to Gus Kiper Jr. to step up and save the day. Before we dive in to this round 1 mock, lets lay down some simple ground rules and disclaimers first:
- The selections to follow are purely speculative and based only on team need/owner behavior tendencies. Inferences to Chalupa Batmans’ draft board may not be taken from the information given here (or legal action may be taken).
- Details contained in this article cannot be used against Chalupa Batmans in any potential future trade negotiations or draft selections.
- Cait is the goat of lottery drawing and should be inducted into the WT HOF for her contributions.
1.01: Chalupa Batmans select Marvin Harrison Jr. (WR – ARI)
Biggest needs: WR1, WR depth, RB depth
Despite CB brass keeping tight lips at all offseason open media sessions thus far, this choice has become the worst kept secret in the league. The only possible alternate consideration here could be the other generational WR talent in this draft, Malik Nabers. However its also no secret that GM Gus has no desire to be rooting for a NY Giant with a large question mark under center. Lucky for him, the Cardinals did not give the Giants the opportunity to snag “Maserati Marv” which would have created a conundrum that likely has kept the front office up at night prior to the NFL draft. Considering a high end WR is clearly the top need for the franchise at this point, this is a slam dunk pick for Chalupa Batmans and one that could catapult them through the final stages of their historic rebuild and into Naomi contention for the first time since 2014.
1.02: Jafaris Jamar Jafarison-Lamar selects Malik Nabers (WR – NYG)
Biggest needs: RB2, RB depth, QB3
JJJL pulled a card out of the Chalupa playbook circa 2021 landing the 2nd and 4th overall selections this year. The first of the pair should be a layup decision for General Manager Jafar, as his historic homer tendency aligns perfectly with the consensus #2 prospect who the Giants just so happened to select this year 6th overall in somewhat surprising fashion over a potential replacement for “Janiel Dones”. Will Nabers turn out to be another Odell Beckham Jr? The similarities are striking with both being LSU alum, wide receivers, drafted by the Giants, rostered by Jafar, and lastly, a colorful attitude that both excites and concerns. For better or for worse, only time will tell with this one. Another potential stud WR added to an already stacked depth chart.
1.03: Frank the Tank selects Rome Odunze (WR – CHI)
Biggest needs: RB1, WR2, QB, TE depth, RB depth
After another disappointing lotto draw for Sackuh, he actually finds a soft landing with some solid options on the board to choose from at 3. This is the first spot that isn’t an obvious choice, but I feel confident this will end up being the decision. Despite top need being a RB1 this draft is very RB light at the top so BPA is likely the mentality here. Odunze is nothing to sneeze at though despite being the third off the board, as he easily would have been the top selection in last years crop of receivers. Some consideration could be given to potential unicorn TE Brock Bowers now that a second flex spot has been added, but landing spot isn’t a ideal sharing targets with Mayer and a lot to be desired under center. If Sackuh can change his luck here he may be able to put together a formidable group of high upside WRs to build around.
1.04: Jafaris Jamar Jafarison-Lamar selects Xavier Worthy (WR – KC)
Biggest needs: RB2, RB depth, QB3
With the second of his two lottery selections, I’m playing the man, not the cards. Bowers or the RB of choice could be a safer option, but this GM has never shied away from the home-run swing. This pick has Jafar written all over it as he looks to add another gamewrecker to his arsenal. Worthy’s landing spot in KC couldn’t be scripted any better, and only looking more appetizing after Rashee Rice’s sentencing looms. The speedster could find himself a golden opportunity to step into the void Tyreek Hill has left to stretch the field and terrorize secondaries across the league. Or is he just a 40 time fast and the next in line to drop perfect dimes from Mahomes? With a stockpile of WR talent and a lack of dependable RBs, JJJL is a good bet to be active in the post-draft trade market to rebalance. Cover your buttholes!
1.05: Sutton To Believe In selects Brian Thomas Jr (WR – JAC)
Biggest needs: WR1, RB depth, TE1
Another parallel to the 2021 draft, except this time Commish is pulling a move out of his own playbook with consecutive picks at 5th and 6th spots. Last time he doubled dipped on running backs with ETN and Javonte Williams, but this time he goes in a different direction. Thomas Jr. landed in a favorable place with Jacksonville now that Ridley has moved on and should have plenty of opportunity to develop into Trevor Lawrence’s top threat on the outside. It’s also convenient that just last season he was able to move Christian Kirk and avoid having to make tough lineup decisions, the coach’s Achilles heel. There are some concerns about whether Thomas will be able to produce without having a stud like Nabers on the opposite side to take away the defense’s top corner, but considering he has two darts to throw here it’s worth the risk to potentially fill the teams top need.
1.06: Sutton To Believe In selects Brock Bowers (TE – LVR)
Biggest needs: WR1, RB depth, TE1
Tough decision here for his second choice of the pair, but a good problem to have considering the remaining needs and still only WRs having come off the board to this point. Consideration will surely be given to either Jonathon Brooks or Trey Benson to add additional depth to the RB room, but ultimately I think the GM will be unable to pass on the temptation of a potential unicorn TE. The only real concern here is landing spot. After spending the 35th overall pick on a TE last year in Mayer who showed some flashes, Bowers won’t be handed a lion share of targets out of the gate like you might expect a 13th overall selection to be. On top of that, there is a lot to be proven by the new coaching staff and QB. The talent of Bowers cannot be denied so ultimately they’ll have to hope that’s enough to overcome the challenges.
1.07: Frank the Tank selects Jonathon Brooks (RB – CAR)
Biggest needs: RB1, WR2, QB, TE depth, RB depth
This will be the third team of four to make multiple selections in the first round, an unprecedented occurrence. Seems to potentially signal a shift in mentality regarding rebuilding, pioneered by Chalupa Batmans after shipping away the top player in fantasy football two seasons ago. After going the BPA route with his first selection, the second shifts to a more need based pick with the top RB off the board. This years RB class is light at the top, however there should be a clear path to heavy utilization for Brooks in Carolina who are looking to stabilize the offense around Bryce Young. New head coach Dave Canales was brought in from Tampa who ran the offense for the Buccaneers last year and did a nice job harnessing the abilities of dual threat back Rachaad White. Sackuh will hope he can do the same for Books and give him an RB1 that he desperately needs. On the flip side, if that Panthers offense can’t shape up this year it could set back FTT even further than they already are with the thinnest RB group in the league.
1.08: Breece’d Up Deaf Guy TRADES pick to I Didnt Hear No Bell and selects Keon Coleman (WR – BUF)
Biggest needs: WR depth, RB1, TE
TRADE ALERT! Given that GTs squad is one of the most balanced rosters in the league, this move makes a lot of sense for him. With the available options at this point becoming more subjective, he will look to acquire some capital for the future. Keegan’s team has other pressing needs outside of WR, but much like Jafar’s homer tendencies, he will not be able to pass up the opportunity to snag Stefon Digg’s heir apparent to stack with Josh Allen. Especially with Stove on deck where he would most certainly take Coleman, if available. Aggressive play by Keegan to leap frog his fellow Mafioso, but one that could pay big dividends if Coleman can find a way to fill the large shoes left for him. While the homer stack has worked well for him in the past, many of us know the other side of that coin can doubles the pain and disappointment of getting it wrong (cough cough Sam Darnold/Zach Wilson cough cough…).
1.09: New Stove In the Kitchen selects Ladd McConkey (WR – LAC)
Biggest needs: RB depth, WR depth
Similarly to GT’s squad, Stove doesn’t have many glaring needs coming off of another Naomi run cut short. This affords him the luxury of going any direction he likes at this spot and so he goes for the next big PPR machine white slot here. Under Harbaugh, McConkey could benefit greatly from a play action focused offense with lots of pre-snap motion and short passes. This feels like a really nice back of the round/high floor choice for Stove, making the rich even richer. Other consideration here could be given to Trey Benson if he prefers, but McConkey presents more upside to a win now team like Stove currently has.
1.10: Chalupa Batmans select Caleb Williams (QB – CHI)
Biggest needs: WR1, WR depth, RB depth
Final selection of the first round is a value play for CB. The most polarizing player in this draft has as high of a ceiling as anyone and just as high of a risk with all the pressure he faces to save the Chicago Bears franchise. A more need-focused choice likely would be Benson or another WR, but at 10 it will be hard for Guster to pass up the opportunity to solidify his QB room with Aaron Rodgers playing out his final remaining season(s). The support system that the Bears have set up for Williams is undeniably impressive, adding Keenan Allen and Rome Odunze on top of DJ Moore from last year as well as D’Andre Swift in the backfield. He will have no excuses for failure which only builds the pressure. But sometimes all that pressure creates a diamond. Hopefully for CB, he doesn’t fold under it like the last QB he drafted….
Wasted Talent 