It All Comes Down to This
We all thought we were faced with the worst possible matchup last year when Josh and Jafar faced off in the the Naomi Bowl. This year it is somehow worse. Due to Keegan’s ineptitude and what I can only imagine is the work of Satan himself, we have Donald pitted against Jason for the crown jewel of the Wasted Talent FFL.
Before I get into this matchup I would first like to acknowledge this years contributors. From the small people, such as Ryan and Donald putting in almost less than the bare minimum effort, to the large like Don Eaves and Greg continuing to produce fire content. I would be hard pressed to find a group of top notch bloggers that would not only put their heart and soul into their work but also do it for the love of the (fictional) game. And to our readers, we wouldn’t be here without you. Your loyalty has allowed us to acquire huge sponsors such as Astroglide and For Hims. Now enough of the sap, lets get down to business with the biggest blog of the year!
Tale of the Tape
Black Don’s Comparison
How did we let this happen boys. Jason and White Don? Why? Jason I understand was tough to beat out but we all should have done better at trying to slow him down. But Don???? He is the second worst team in the league. Why are we watching him get slaughtered for what should be the best game of the year.
Well I’ll tell you why! Cuz Don has been sucking Jafar’s lucky leprechaun dick. It is the only logical reason he made it to the championship. Think about it. First of all, everyone knows leprechauns are lucky but their dicks must be especially lucky. Second of all, this is no normal leprechaun dick, this is a leprechaun dick that has been pleased and defecated on by our sacred Namoi. As far as our fantasy league is concerned, that is the luckiest god damn dick on this earth.
Later on you are going to get an in depth break down of each position from GT as well as predictions from across the league. I however want to ignore the analytics and discuss each competitors intangibles. We will start with our Reigning Champion Jafar.
Reasons Jason will win:
Jason obviously has a huge advantage in the talent department as well as the overall performance he has put on all season. I think one big reason Jason could win his third straight Naomi is in the name itself. Jason has experience in Naomi Bowls and in Naomi, giving him an edge that no other competitor can claim. He also possess magical powers that he has yet to unleash upon any unsuspecting victims this year. He is able to curse any team and any player at will with his prayers to the almighty Jewish God Allah. Will he use this advantage or will he underestimate his opponent due to his Napoleon complex? Finally Jason will win because of his penis. That thing has been getting more action that it could have ever imagined. While Donald is out here flexing in the mirror at “church” Jason is taking spicy mamacita to Bone City, Population: 1.5.
Reasons Jason will lose:
What may be Jason’s biggest strength, may also be his downfall. His Penis. With all of the blood consistently rushing to the southern head will he be able to focus on the most prestigious prize that this life has to offer? The only other reason Jason could possibly lose is me. Why am I always making it about myself you ask? Simple, the world revolves around me and my plight. Jason could lose because of the infamous Underwear Bet I made with Donald. As much as the Fantasy Gods love Jason, they hate me equally as much if not more. Sorry dawg.
Reasons Donald will win:
As we all know Donald has defied the odds all season. He made playoffs as the second lowest scorer in the league, he earned a BYE in the first round of said playoffs (due to Keegan’s inability to use his brain), AND he took down Zeglen who had a combine 50+ points between two scrubs going into the Sunday games. Luck is certainly on Donald’s side and all of the stars may align to carry him to his second Naomi Championship (rings). Don is also meeting Jason at possibly his weakest all season. Donald may be able to take advantage of the loss of OBJ, Keenan Allen, Jordan Reed and Todd Gurley. You lucky motherfucker.
Reasons Donald will lose:
For time sake I am going to keep this as short as possible, although there are a multitude of reasons Donald should lose this matchup. He lacks talent (in the sack and on the field), his ego is overblown, he rarely wins competitions against anyone, the Falcons stink. He is starting Kalen Fucking Ballage. I swear to god if Donald wins this league should just disband forever.
Well, I really don’t want to write this. I am still upset that I lost, which was expected, but still saddens me. The majority of owners wanted to see Zeglen vs Me in the Naomi, but were given Don vs Jason instead.
At least I am no longer the sole member of the 0 Naomi’s 1 Sacko club. Welcome Keegan! The fact that I am part of this club means that I don’t know shit about fantasy and you should take my predictions with a grain of salt. Actually, probably just assume I am wrong.
For my predictions, 58 experts were polled on the position matchups. I will give you the ESPN projection, the experts’ picks, and my pick.
Don – Deshaun Watson Jason – Tom Brady
Deshaun Watson – 21.2
Tom Brady – 19.7
93% of experts (55/59) pick Deshaun Watson.
I am going to go against the grain here and pick Tom Brady. I think he turns it around after last week and dominates poor old Buffalo
Don – Tevin Coleman Jason – Todd Gurley
Tevin Coleman – 21.2
Todd Gurley – 19.7
98% of experts (57/58) pick Todd Gurley. Disclaimer: 1 expert didn’t rank Gurley, thinks he is going to be injured.
Easy. Gurley. I don’t think I even need an explanation.
Don – Kalen Ballage Jason – Zeke
Ballage – 8.5
Zeke – 24.9
100% of experts (58/58) pick Zeke.
Sigh. Zeke has been on tear recently, scoring above 25 points in 5 out of his last 6. Zeke is going to eat. Ballage will hopefully get to double digits. Zeke is the pick.
Don – Julio Jones Jason – Deandre Hopkins
Jones – 19.9
Hopkins – 19.4
79% of experts (41/58) pick Hopkins.
Jones has doubled his TDs from last year and has played very well this year. He is facing a suspect Carolina secondary so I gotta take Jones. (Hopkins has played better than Jones and is facing a worse D but we are going to ignore that)
Don – Mohamed Sanu Jason – Brandin Cooks
Sanu – 14.1
Cooks – 11
100% of experts (54/54) pick Cooks. (4 refused to answer due to it being a silly question)
Given the fact that I picked Jones over Hopkins in the previous prediction, I have to go Cooks here. With Jones eating up all the receptions against Carolina, there will be none left for Sanu.
Don – George Kittle Jason – Travis Kelce
Kittle – 15.7
Kelce – 19.5
100% of experts (55/55) pick Kelce. (starting to wonder why this number is constantly changing)
The TE position is definitely a strength for both teams with Kittle being the #3 TE and Kelce being the #1. It seems that Kelce is the obvious choice based on the experts and projections. Everyone is Zigging, so I will Zag and pick Kittle.
Don – Adam Humphries Jason – DaeSean Hamilton
Humphries – 10.1
Hamilton – 11.1
87% of experts (47/54) pick Humphries.
Standin’ on the corner of Jameis Winston Tampa Florida, such a fine sight to see. Its Humphries my lord in a flat bed ford, catching a touchdown not DaeDae. Tampa baby, don’t say maybe. Adam won’t play like a queef todayyy.
Honestly a pretty disappointing flex play from Jason. I was expecting a First/Second round pick here. I guess Allen and OBJ might not be playing which really hurts him. Going with the experts here and picking Humphries if you couldn’t tell.
I am going off the book here and picking the D/ST and Kicker matchups. Pretty wild move by me.
Don – Vikings Jason – R-words
Vikings – 12.4
R-words – 12
100% of experts (47/47) pick Vikings. (Even the experts thinking pickings D/ST is stupid)
The R-words have lost 6 straight I think. Vikings is the pick. SKOL!
Don – Mason Crosby Jason – Greg the Leg
Mason – 7.4
Greg – 9.9
98% of experts (41/42) pick Greg. (lowest total for kickers, shocker)
Greg the Leg FTW. Us Greg’s gotta stick together.
It ended up being a close 5-4 position by position win for Jason. The projections have Jason winning 154-118.4. I think it will be a little closer than that.
My pick :
Jason – 158.4
Don – 138.9
The Rest of the League
Josh: “155.2 – 110.1 Jason wins and we all cry because the damn gingr pulled it off”
Zeglen: “170 – 130 Jason”
Jordan: “142-139 DONALD!”
Keegan: “162-131 Jew”
Ryan: “165-115 little Jew over white Don Won”
Frank: “143.7 – 108.1 Fire Crotch”
Black Don: “178-118 Jason”