Not Your Father’s Power Rankings: Week 4

TRADE MAFIA

All I know is there is a deep back channel of grimy, dirty, disgusting trades being offered in recent weeks and it seems that three main characters are at the center of all of these shenanigans. We are investigating the infamous Trade Mafia.

Suspect #1

That’s right, here he is in all his glory. The most prolific (for multiple reasons) trader in all of WTFFL. Keegan in the last few weeks has traded away a solid young fantasy QB in Jared Goff for a third round pick and the oft-injured Will Fuller. Then, in a move that astonished many fantasy owners, Keegan was able to pull off what may be the heist of the century acquiring the immensely talented Stefon Diggs for a second round pick. Keegan is very clearly one of the trade mafias most active members.

suspect #2

No, its not the babe on the right who is behind some of these dastardly deeds. It is the bearded, fashion allergic, hearty food loving man on the left who has been attempting to pull strings throughout the entire league. He has taken his role as commissioner and used it as a bargaining chip when attempting to coerce fantasy owners to execute trades that they would not do otherwise*. I wouldn’t be surprised if Josh has been micro dosing Keegan with stupid juice for the past 6 years in order to ultimately fleece Jared Goff off of him. Be weary of this Dark Lord and his underwhelming trade offers.

*All of this information is courtesy of absolutely no one and probably false, but go with it.

suspect #3

Who could be the last, most mysterious suspect of the Trade Mafia? Are they all in cahoots to steal the integrity of our fair league, or are they working independently for their own selfish motives? I have bounced this question around in my head for days (minutes) now and I believe I have finally captured the elusive final member, of the Trade Mafia.

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THAT’S RIGHT YOU SNIFFLING IDIOTS! IT IS I, FRANKIE NO FLEX!

While you have all been sleeping in your beds dreaming of your white steed, Naomi’s bush, sucking dumbbells and drinking your mother’s taint juice, I have been scheming of ways to take over the league through back door deals. I don’t care who tries to get in the way I will run them over like Brandon Jacobs if he could’ve learned to run north and south! I am continuously offering deals, gauging potential suitors, criticizing each and every aspect of this group from physical features to sexual history, all for one goal: Total Domination! So remember, be weary of the Trade Mafia because like it or not, we are here to stay.

P.S. Can someone trade me a Tight End please? Offering a sad hand job and a 4th round pick, please consider helping the less fortunate.

You’re still reading this? Oh shit, this was a power rankings blog. My bad, here you go.

  1. Jason
  2. Don Eaves
  3. Keegan
  4. Josh
  5. Ryan
  6. Jordan
  7. Zeglen
  8. Frank
  9. Donald
  10. GT

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