Not Your Father’s Power Rankings: Week 5

Power Rankings: Train Edition

So I’m currently sitting on Train 63 en route from Montreal to New York City with intermediate stops at Albany, Hudson, Poughkeepsie, and Yonkers. There is not an empty seat on the train, the WiFi is weaker than Jason and the cafe service is limited due to a payment malfunction.

What I lack in amenities I make up for in pure unadulterated passion. Passion for football. Passion for Fantasy. Passion for breakfast sandwiches. Passion for criticizing close friends every move. In order to demonstrate that passion I will push through these unfortunate circumstances and deliver the best damn blog this site has ever seen.

Let’s Fucking Go!

First off we need to acknowledge the fact that clearly the two best teams in the league are rightfully sitting atop their respect divisions. Don Eaves captured Division supremacy by upending sir whiskey himself. Now I can’t begin to speculate what Don has been doing out in Buffalo, NY to finally have his team put the pieces together like this but I can say it can’t be sanitary. I on the other hand made Ryan look like chump change. Dak Prescott saw Franks Firesale on the schedule and debated just not even showing up. It was never in doubt, much like Greg’s 4th consecutive loss.

Other Takeaways

Other takeaways from a wild week 4 include the fact that Zeglen may just stink. With Saquon out and Phillip Lindsey workin in a RB by committee he has all but locked up the ass end of the “Relevant Teams” division. He may look to rebuild, but with a lack of depth, I don’t see him being able to acquire the picks he desires. Also, start Wayne Gallman you idiot.

Ryan continues to have a whirlwind of a year, from bending Josh over Week 1 to the tune of 160+ points to laying one of the worst duds this league has ever seen, Ryan’s season is quite the rollercoaster and I see that trend continuing because of the boom or bust potential of the bulk of his team. RIPIP Stefon Diggs.

Donald took advantage of GT by way of Tyler Boyd’s piss poor second half. Things are not breaking the right way for Greg unless they are his players legs doing the literal breaking. With the departure of Adam Thielen this week it looks like all hope has been lost. Do we see a repeat sackamone from the awards namesake?

On the other side of that metaphorical coin you have Donald. He has newly acquired Wide Receiver talent to pair with Julio Jones which may be able to off set the ineptitude of the Falcon’s offense. If Donald is able to fall (long) dick first into a reliable flex, don’t be surprised if he makes some noise in the Athletes, and Don division.

Josh is welcoming back Melvin Gordon this week just in time for him to take on a sputtering Daniel MF Jones squad. Does Josh embrace the former top 5 fantasy RB and start him as well as Ekeler this week? Not sure, but I do know that this is a make or break week for Josh. With his corner pieces of Steelers and former Steelers seemingly disappearing from prominence Josh will have to fill in the gaps if he has any shot to compete for a Naomi this year*.

Jordan finally pulls to a .500 record by beating down a Zeglen led team that put less effort into their games than Donald does in the bedroom. Much like Donald I implore Jordan to spice things up by bolstering his continually pedestrian receiving core so he can go out there and really put on an vinegar stroke worthy performance.

Pre-vinegar strokes

Onto Keegan, the enigmatic one has as intriguing a journey to this point in the season as almost anyone. As it sits he has somehow a seemingly powerful lineup and at the same time a lineup that could crumble at any second. Coming into the season his strength was at QB. We are all aware of his downfalls in that department recently. Luckily for him he has the Bills QB handcuff to lean on this week. Hopefully Kamara has some insurance on that nose ring because Keegan is a deviated septum away from looking like Greg’s team.

Jason is finally seeing the effects that aging and ego has on his team. Odell suddenly can’t gel with his franchise Quarterback (shocker), Todd Gurley barely eclipses 15 touches a game, and Keenan Allen May finally be reeling from the demise of Phillip Rivers. Jason may just be too stacked for his own good. With that being said he is still very clearly set up for success for at least a couple years to come.

With that all being said…

I’m still on the train, hungry, tired and slightly horny so I hope you get as much out of this blog as I have out of writing it, which was approximately an hour of entertainment and the ability to not acknowledge a single soul on this train.

*In no way shape or form will Josh be competing for a Naomi due to his propensity for coming up short :/

The following is this weeks Power Rankings

  1. Don Eaves
  2. Leffler
  3. Jason
  4. Josh
  5. Jordan
  6. Keegan
  7. Ryan
  8. Zeglen
  9. Donald
  10. GT

“Blog like a champion today” – Wayne Gretzky, Michael Scott

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