It all started with this Tweet from Clint Lamb.
The NFL Draft set Twitter ablaze with picks, trades, player comparisons, the Raiders being the Raiders and hundreds of other story lines. None captivated us more than seeing this comparison of former Alabama Crimson Tide, now Carolina Panther Guard Deonte Brown, to none other than Blastoise. It got use thinking, which Pokémon would create the most dominant NFL team? We are here to present you a definitive list of the Pokémon who would best fit each position on the field for an NFL franchise. And before you even ask, we only chose from the original 151 Pokémon because we were not assholes.
The Offense
Quarterback: Mew
This was a no-brainer. Mew contains the DNA of every Pokémon inside of it. This allows Mew to use any attack known to the Poke-world. Mew would have unbelievable pocket presence, mobility, ability to throw deep, short, to the edge of the field, up the seam, you name it Mew can do it. Mew fought against it’s evil twin Mewtwo in order to stop Mewtwo from destroying the world. Talk about a locker room guy! You know any other Pokémon would be willing to bleed on the gridiron for that kind of leadership.
NFL Player Comp: Patrick Mahomes
Running Back: Arcanine
Arcanine is the perfect all-around back. He is fiercely loyal, meaning he will do whatever it takes for his team to win. You need him to carry the ball 40 times? No problem. Need him to pick up the blitz to make time for Mew to sling the rock? Count on it. Need him to catch passes? Consider it done. Oh, did I mention he can run 6,200 miles in 24 hours? That is elite talent you won’t find anywhere else. Arcanine is your franchise back.
NFL Player Comp: Dalvin Cook
Fullback: Golem
All great fullbacks have one thing in common, pad level. Golem is no exception. Sitting at 4’7″ and 661 pounds Golem is the epitome of low man wins. It will clear the way for Archanine to break off preposterous runs and take a few sad souls with it for a ride to pay dirt. Linebackers beware.
NFL Player Comp: Aaron Ripkowski
Center: Snorlax
Standing (or sitting) at 6’11” 1014 pounds, Snorlax will simply not be pushed back into the pocket. Even while asleep no one is moving Snorlax. As long as you can keep him awake long enough to snap the ball he will do what he needs to in order to keep Mew safe.
NFL Player Comp: Nick Mangold
Guard: Blastoise
Although undersized (5’3″ 188) Blastoise possesses two water cannons so powerful they can pierce steel. Imagine you see Blastoise as a pulling guard coming around the corner to blast a hole straight through your body? Sorry coach but I am OUT. See ya.
NFL Player Comp: Quenton Nelson
Tackle: Venasaur
Vensaur will anchor the pass protection on the outside for Mew. He can deal with the superb athletes like Khalil Mack and TJ Watt by converting the suns rays into energy. Being a grass type Pokémon, Vensaur will thrive in the trenches and can even manipulate the earth to gain an upper hand. If need be put him in the backfield a la William Perry and smash your way into the end zone.
NFL Player Comp: Mitchell Schwartz
Tight End: Machamp
This meat head is the perfect Tight End prospect. Strong enough to deal with the linebacker pass rush and athletic enough to make people miss in the open field. With four arms all you have to do is throw it in Machamp’s general direction and he has double the chance of coming down with it. Try to defend that shit.
NFL Player Comp: Rob Gronkowski
Wide Receiver: Rapidash
Rapidash would be a lethal deep threat. By reaching a top speed of 150 MPH in only ten steps you will force the defense to play a two-deep zone on every play. If you need a player to take the top off the defense look no further than Rapidash.
NFL Player Comp: Tyreek Hill
Slot Receiver: Pikachu
Listen, I am well fucking aware this is a homer pick but it made too much sense. Pikachu has always been undersized and cast aside it’s entire career, but guess what? Somehow, someway he always gets the job done. Always a security blanket for Ash, Pikachu would be do whatever needs to be done for the team and you cannot replace that kind of work ethic. Gym rat, literally.
NFL Player Comp: Julian Edelman
The Defense
Defensive Tackle: Rhydon
With a low center of gravity and impressive strength, Rhydon is an ideal interior defensive lineman. He is able to knock down entire buildings with one swing of his tail as well as having a fucking horn that can break through rock and shatter diamonds. Yeah I see your “knives” Aaron Donald and raise you diamonds buddy.
NFL Player Comp: Akiem Hicks
Defensive End: Gyarados
Bend like you read about! Find me another edge rusher in the league who is 21 feet tall and can move as swiftly as Gyarados, fat chance. Gyarados has a mean streak that you want in your dogs on the front four. Pray for whatever poor soul has to try to keep Gyarados off of their Quarterback.
NFL Player Comp: Myles Garrett
Middle Linebacker: Tauros
Tauros’s abilities are “intimidate” and “sheer force”. If there are two better adjectives for a linebacker I don’t know what they are. Imagine being under center and this beast is gearing up to rip your head off. Be right back I have to change my pants on account of shitting them.
NFL Player Comp: Ray Lewis
Outside Linebacker: Charizard
Charizard has the best of both worlds, strength to fill the gaps as well as speed to cover tight ends and running backs sneaking out of the backfield. Even if you think you have Charizard beat you don’t he has elite recovering ability and can fly to anywhere on the field quickly. Fuck pursuit angles, Charizard will just chase you down and beat you over the head with his flame tail.
NFL Player Comp: Lavonte David
Cornerback: Articuno
Tell me Articuno doesn’t look like a bird that would celebrate like he won the Super Bowl if the pass was over thrown. Sure the coverage ability is there through the air but look at that face. I see unabashed cockiness and if we are being honest that is the most important trait in a cornerback.
NFL Player Comp: Richard Sherman
Strong Safety: Hitmonchan
What do all good Strong Safety’s have in common? They can pack a punch. Hitmonchan can do that and more. You need someone to come fill a hole and be a run-stopper that will be Hitmonchan. The only downside is Hitmonchan requires a break every three minutes in order to compete at the highest level, but who of us doesn’t?
NFL Player Comp: John Lynch
Free Safety: Scyther
If you need someone to patrol the deep zone and make sure no one gets behind the defense then you need Scyther. Scyther is a hunter, always on the look out for it’s next victim. Send a receiver over the middle and they are likely going to be decapitated. We are still researching the legality of cutting off another players head on the field but rest assured it will happen either way.
NFL Player Comp: Derwin James
There you have it, the definitive list of best Pokémon for each position. Tell us who we got wrong in the comments section and who you would chose instead.
Wasted Talent 