If the Members of Wasted Talent Were Dogs

With the season about to be in full swing, I wanted to take this time to keep the blog going strong with a topic that has been on my mind for some time now. From Golden Retrievers to Beagles to those little fucker Chihuahuas, each member of Wasted Talent has a representative from the dog world. Although Donald believes breeds don’t exist, even he has a furry friend that compares perfectly. Without further adieu I give you, The Dog Blog.

Don Eaves: Newfoundland

Weight: ~150 pounds

Lifespan: 8-10 years

Energy level: 4/10

Trainability: 4/10

Cuddle Factor: 12/10

The Newfoundland is the kind of dog you want to take home to your mother. With a chill demeanor and aloof personality these behemoths are the perfect companion for a Sunday afternoon bong rip and a nice binge session of Game of Thrones. What the Newfoundland lacks in energy level it makes up for in overall lovability. They may not win many races at the dog park but with their comical expressions and fluffy coat they will have any woman stopping to pet their good doggo head.

Jordan: Basset Hound

Weight: ~65 pounds

Lifespan: 12-15 years

Energy Level: 3/10

Sociability: 7/10

Droopiness: 11/10

The Basset Hound, the grandpa of the dog world. These bad boys get popped out looking like they’re already 5, that’s 35 in dog years. The Basset Hounds long back end is particularly weak, they should be discouraged from jumping or other strenuous movements as to not result in a dislocated hip or hernia. Aside from it’s unique look, the Basset Hound is also a great tracking dog. Whether it be a missing person or the extra Cheeto between the couch cushions this dog has the ability to find anything, anywhere. They may seem callous or standoffish but the most important thing to a Basset Hound is it’s family and friends.

Jason: Pekinese

Weight: ~10 pounds

Lifespan: 14-18 years

Energy level: 3/10

Territorial: 8/10

Child Friendliness: 2/10

You are more likely to find the Pekinese holed up in its bedroom than outside getting fresh air. This tiny dog is stubborn and unwilling to change, rarely taking direction from its owners. If the Pekinese neglects it’s coat it can become a tangled and matted mess, it’s best to keep up a strict hygiene regiment. This dog can be as entertaining as any dog you may come across. If you observe a Pekinese for long enough you are bound to see some things you have never seen before, like literally ever. Not sure about this dogs affinity for whiskey though.

Ryan: Afghan Hound

Weight: ~55 pounds
Lifespan: 12-14 Years

Energy level: 10/10

Trainability: 2/10

Pension for injury: 10/10

Afghan Hounds are a surprisingly active breed for its size. Afghan enthusiasts describe this hound as both aloof and comical. Don’t let the Afghan Hound have too much to drink as it may end up running off with a strange bitch or taking a nap in a bush. While the Afghan Hound presents an intellectual, well groomed facade they have often been described as “clunky” and “blockheaded”. If you want to have fun and possibly get into some trouble, follow the Afghan Hound on their adventures.

Donald: Whippet (with Bully Whippet Syndrome)

Weight: ~35 pounds

Lifespan: 12 years

Energy level: 9/10

Potential for Weight Gain: 3/10

The whippet breed was developed in 19th century for purposes of sport of racing. It is considered as very fast dog, despite its relatively small body size. Recently, a mutation within whippet breed has been discovered which causes muscle mass doubling in the affected dogs. Though this double muscling is disturbing to look at it causes no pain to the Whippet. Without genetic mutation (or steroids) the Whippet generally has a very difficult time gaining weight. The Whippet is fast but generally would not be qualified as “athletic” as it has little to no skills beyond straight speed.

GT: Yellow Lab

Weight: ~70 pounds

Lifespan: 10-12 years

Energy level: 8/10

Desire to please companion: 10/10

Shedding: 10/10

The Lab has the reputation of being one of the most sweet-natured breeds, and it’s well deserved. He’s outgoing, eager to please, and friendly with both people and other animals. Although occasionally some people or other dogs HATE the Lab for seemingly unknown reasons. While the Lab loves to hangout with its companions, occasionally the Lab will catch a whiff of something (or get fed up waiting for drunk idiots) and up and leave the pack, not to be seen until at least the next day.

Josh: English Bulldog

Weight: ~45 pounds

Lifespan: 8-10 years

Energy level: 4/10

Chubby Cuteness: 8/10

Drooling Level: 10/10

Bulldogs are quiet, low energy, fairly calm indoors, and polite with the other residents, are all good qualities in an apartment dog. With little desire to walk, jog or run these dogs require little maintenance. Put a bowl of food in front of the bulldog with a nice IPA and some cheese and he is in heaven. A Bulldog will put up with a lot from a child (Jason), although he shouldn’t have to, and he’ll walk away if he gets tired of being tormented.

Keegan: Shetland Sheepdog

Weight: ~25 pounds

Lifespan: 12+ years

Energy level: 7/10

Tolerates Being Alone: 4/10

Sensitivity Level: 9/10

The Sheltie is intensely loyal, gentle, and sensitive. The Shelties personality depends solely on its owner. Whether she is a tree hugging liberal or a right wing nut job you will find the Sheltie right next to his owner marching for women’s rights or the KKK. Whatever their personality, Shelties prefer to be with their people at all times and will follow them from room to room during the course of the day. Just remember, do not leave your March Madness Bracket with a Sheltie, they have an affinity to cheat their friends.

Zeglen: Finnish Spitz

Weight: ~ 25 pounds

Lifespan: 12+ years

Energy level: 8/10

Barely ever heard of this breed, never seen it. This dog sucks.

Whether big or small, fast or slow, fat or skinny, smart or stupid, all dogs deserve one big boop just like all of you. Can’t wait for the draft next weekend and the season right around the corner.

-Leff Dawg