Sorry for the poor gif quality, Michael Buffer isn’t exactly a spring chicken, but we are BACK! Draft Weekend is complete, our keepers are confirmed and all that’s left now is to see which one of my draft pick blows out their ACL first! Though the draft traditionally leads to more questions than answers, and training camp has just started, I have decided to take advantage of my week off and bless’m with the first edition of Not Your Father’s Power Rankings for the 2019 Season. Sit back, relax and enjoy the ride that is my uneducated and completely biased opinions.

1.) Donald

You all know this hurts me just as much, if not more than it hurts all of you but it has to be done. Donald is literal shit at video games, athletics, drinking and arguments but he is our reigning champ. Donald will have to fight off some stiffer competition this year with the division change but the fantasy Gods are clearly on his side, even though he can’t win any other competition he still sits atop the power rankings this preseason.

Strengths

Julio Jones Atl WR

Desaun Watson Hou QB

Weaknesses

I don’t know, literally everything else

2.  Don Eaves

First off, this picture makes me wet.

Anyway, this spot could’ve gone a few different ways but this weekend’s draft solidified Don Eaves as a contender once again… or for the first time! Will this be the year he climbs out of the proverbial hole? His roster is stacked from top to bottom and if he can’t at least make playoffs with this crew he may just have to cut his losses and sell his team to Ikey.

Strengths

Close your eyes and throw a dart at his lineup.

Weaknesses

Shitty Luck

3. Jason

Jafar coming in lower than top 2 may be a shock to all of you but let me explain. Jason has Odell on a brand new team with a brand new QB this year, Gurley may never be the same again, Lesean McCoy is essentially irrelevant, Zeke might be sitting out for the year if the Boys don’t pay the man and beyond that his team is middle of the road. Being middle of the road with that many top tier players with huge question marks is still very impressive but not top 2 worthy.

Strengths

Depth, Depth, Depth

Weaknesses

Has Naomi’s puke finally been washed clean of Jafar’s pencil dick?

4. Josh

With rumors of Melvin Gordon’s impending trade to Houston swirling, Josh may be feeling regret for loading his backfield with Gordon handcuffs. On the other hand it could work out in his favor, Jackson could step in and replace Gordon while Melvin could be the lead back for the Texans. Only time will tell with this one but besides the bolts running back drama Josh is looking at a team with a lot of top end talent and little to fall back on in case of injury. Teams will be game planning for Juju heavy this year, and Ben Rothlisberger turns into Ryan Leaf whenever he is on the road. This really is a boom or bust year for Josh.

Strengths

The Steelers

Weaknesses

Any Running back not named James Conner

5. GT

GT crashed to rock bottom a few seasons ago and finally has scratched and clawed his way back into the conversation for title contention. He will need some young talent to step up this season if he expects to make the Naomi Bowl. Sony Michel had a breakout rookie season but is coming off injury, David Johnson finds himself on a team loaded with weapons all the sudden, and Lamar Miller may get Melvin Gordon cucked. With Andrew Luck, the wife beater, TY and Adam Thielen attacking the air this year  GT should at least make the playoffs.

Strengths

The Indianapolis Connection

Weaknesses

Impending Civil Lawsuits

T6. Jordan

The race for the last playoff spot is so close that I couldn’t help but make it a tie. Jordan has a squad that is ready to compete but he needs to bolster his wide outs. Simply putting it Allen Robinson, Robby Anderson and Calvin Ridley will not get it done.  If Kerryon can continue to produce at the rate he finished the year he may be able to squeak in on the back end but that is a big if.  Look for him to make some moves before the season starts.

Strengths

His White Steed

Weaknesses

Top end WR talent

T6. Zeglen

Jordan and Zeglen are almost in the same spot  that is why I just couldn’t make a clear determination.  Zeglen has probably the best QB and best RB prospect in all of dynasty football but beyond that his roster leaves much to desire.  If either of those two have tough season or suffer  an injury Zeglen may just want to blow up his roster.  One of these two will end up in the Sacko Playoffs, you heard it here first.

Strengths

Two young studs, have you seen Saquon’s thighs?

Weaknesses

He is starting Derrick Henry, yuck

8. Sacko

I want to rank Sacko last I really REALLY do. His top end talent is just too much to justify him being at 9 or 10. The guy has Kamara and Ingram finally on separate teams to blossom on their own. Will this spell downfall for Kamara? Probably not. Amari Cooper may finally be in a place he can thrive away from Jon Gruden and Derek Carr.  If Keegan can find a strong flex and tight end he may actually have a shot at playoffs this year, albeit a long shot.

Strengths

QB’s and Kamara

Weaknesses

Worst Coach in the League, can’t draft for shit

9. Blockhead

Live look at Ryan any time its warmer than 55 degrees out. Anyway, this may be the year Ryan has to blow everything up. Greg Olsen, and AJ Green are not getting any young and the rest of his roster is either too young or too suspended.  Cam Newton and Stefon Diggs have to have colossal years in order for this squad to have a shot at the post season. Ryan was the 5th highest scorer last year so he may be able to scrape something together, we shall see.

Strengths

Josh Jacobs and Chris Carson. Young Running backs may make a big splash for Ryan this year.

Weaknesses

Boom or bust players in almost every position and Kareem Hunt’s dumb ass

10. Leffler

Can’t rank yourself above 10 with the lowest points for the previous season. Only place to go is up. Lets hope Derrius Guice and Dalvin Cook kick it into overdrive this year and Carson Wentz can Flourish without that big shlong sitting behind him. Please pray for my players knees.

Strengths

Edelman is super hot

Weaknesses

Landry is not the only mouth to feed in Cleveland and Corey Davis has all the talent in the world but a potato at QB