Wildly Too Early Predictions: The Beer Mile

Welcome,  this is a new blog series that I created specifically for moments like these. In my Wildly Too Early Predictions I, along with my esteemed colleagues around the league will take a deep dive into trade outcomes, league bets, Sacko and Naomi predictions and many other topics important to this league.  Please enjoy the first installment of Wildly Too Early Predictions.


Donald vs. The Beer Mile : A Clash of the Titans

My first crack at taking Nostradamus’s throne comes in the form of a physical challenge by our reigning champion, Donald McCann. Donald, a notorious challenge acceptor has stumbled upon another test of his will and physical prowess. Donald’s direct challengers for this feat are Jordan Marchfeld ($50) and Frank Leffler ($25).

The Scenario:

Donald must complete a beer mile in under 10 minutes.

The Rules:

One beer must be finished previous to starting each quarter mile. Official beer mile rules indicate the participant must drink from an unaltered can and consume a beer of at least 5% ABV. These rules may be tweaked for the challenge but the general idea remains the same. Drink 4 beers, run 4 quarter-mile laps.

The Factors: Pro Donald

  1. Donald is a former NCAA Division 1 Track and Field athlete from THE University at Buffalo. Mostly competing in the Long Jump, 200 meter, and 100 meter.
  2. Donald’s competitive spirit is very tough to match.  He has an insatiable need to win, or rather a need to be right.  As someone who shares these qualities I admire Donald for his unwillingness to be defeated gracefully or even admit he  has been defeated at all.
  3. Donald has a mile PR of 6:00 (2011).


The Factors: Pro Jordan & Frank

  1. Donald is 0-2 in Lifetime Dynasty Draft Weekend Challenges  (2019 Great Game Off Defeat, 2018 1 v 1 Basketball Challenge Defeat)
  2. Donald has possibly the most piss poor beer chugging ability that this group, and possibly this world has ever seen. Due to website limitations, Donald’s chugging performance will be viewable in the Wasted Talent Groupme only.  Official Time for one 12 fluid ounce beer: 18.33 seconds.
  3. Donald has had multiple collapsed  lung incidents, most notably 2017 (as seen below)
Collapsed Lung (2017)


The Prediction: 

Although I am a direct party to this particular competition I think we can all agree that I am rarely biased, always level headed and continuously show composure in arguments. For my predictions I will break it down using advanced sabermetrics designed by the likes of Yale, Princeton and MIT.

Fastest Beer Chugged: Donald will be ready to go off the bat, his first chug will be an astonishing 11.37 seconds and will only take 2 efforts.

Fastest Lap Ran: Again, the first lap he will be fresh and come off the blocks hard. His lung will be fully intact and feel like he conquer the world. The first quarter mile will be completed in 1:32 including the beer.

Number of Pukes: As Donald comes to his third beer (around the 4:00 mark) he will begin to feel the effects of simply being a huge pussy.  He will complain that he has gotten way too bulky in the gym and his giant biceps and enormous dong are too heavy to carry. As he raises his tiny hands to his gullet to sip his third beer it will all come crashing down.  Donald’s first and second beer, along with pieces of undigested bacon and day old Chipotle will come crashing to the track. He may be done with the race at this point but he for sure will not be done showing us his insides. 3 total pukes is a mortal lock.

Final Time: DNF. If you think Donald’s doing this without puking you also probably think Josh Allen is a good NFL Quarterback.


Predictions from Around the League and More:

DM: “My prediction is going to be 8:30”

JM: “I think he will not puke, but give up while trying to drink his 3rd beer. He’ll wave the white flag.”

RR: “10:45, pukes and shits himself as he crosses the finish line”

GS: “2.5 minutes if total time for the chugging beer”

DK: “Based on his known chugging abilities and his over confidence in competition, I’m gonna say 12+ with a puke and maybe not even the 4th beer. Remember if he decides its not worth it he’ll just pay Jordan and be done with it” (Note: He does not have to pay Jordan if he fails, only Leffler)

JR: “2 minutes of chugging. 1 puke. 11 minutes for completion. He will get angry if someone has a better time.       Massive regrets are guaranteed”

TW: “Total time: 16 min 39 seconds. Total Pukes: 1 after the third “chug” (quotes because Don doesn’t chug)


There you have it, league wide Wildly Too Early Predictions.



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