They say you should give the people what they want. I think they are right. That is why I am not stepping down as commissioner and am finally doing a weekly blog post. You are welcome. *
Now some people say I am argumentative, a contrarian, stubborn, occasionally pick a fight and get aggressive. They are blithering idiots, and if you tell me who they are and where they live I will find them and explain why they are wrong for 2-3 hours or until they give up. But, I do enjoy telling people they are wrong. That is why every week** I will be writing about how dumb “Guster’s Guarantees” are. Lucky for the other eight folks in the league, I decided to make this a competition between Gus and myself. He consented to the terms of the bet by writing a “Guster Guarantee” hours before the terms of the bet were contemplated, trust me, I am a lawyer.** *
So what are the terms of this bet. Every week, I must pick at least one bet from the NFL portion of Guster’s Guarantees and take the opposing side. This will be easy to do, Gus is clueless. 56% over the course of a year wouldn’t win you enough money for a decent burger. Every week, whoever gets the most bets correct out of the challenged bets will win that week. The party with the better record will be appropriately punished. They will be the other person’s servant (this is a public site, use your imagination). Let me remind you, I am a lawyer, and this is most certainly legal.**** There will be some limits on what can be asked of the servant: nothing illegal or sexual, we are keeping it PG13 that weekend.
What is in bounds you ask? When I win, Gus is going to be waking up at 5:30AM to have some corn muffins hot and ready for the whole league, even Sacko.***** I think Gus has the potential to be an above average beer boy too, and he will definitely be the Water Distribution Engineer for the two beer miles we are expecting at the draft.
Now, let’s get to the picks. This week, I am challenging three picks. It may be obvious from the title, but Gus picked against not one, not two, but THREE Super Bowl contenders. He is wrong, as explained below.
IND +6.5 @ LAC: Gus took Indy. I think Gus is either senile or missed the news, because some guy named Andrew Luck recently retired at the ripe age of 29 years old. Was it unexpected? A bit, and the Colts were not prepared. Now don’t get me wrong, Brissett is OK, not great. He showed two seasons ago he is susceptible to sacks and the Chargers have two guys named Bosa and Ingram on the Edge. Maybe he would start for a team like the Bills, but is he taking his team week 1, on the road, against the most talented roster from 1-53 in the entire NFL, and losing by less than one touchdown? Absolutely the fuck not. Roll Chargers.
PIT +6 @ NE: Correct me if I am wrong, but I think the Patriots won the Super Bowl last year? Forgive me, it is hard to keep track of all of them over the years. And I am picking them to win it all again this year. I also believe the Steelers failed to even make the playoffs. Clearly Gus is banking on the offseason additions/losses by both teams in assuming the Steelers will keep it within a touchdown of the Patriots in Foxborough. I guess the loss of pre-psycho Antonio Brown and the addition of Josh Gordon, Demaryius Thomas, and Michael Bennett convinced Gus that this will be a close game. Also, Bill Belichick. Don’t be a fool, bet on America’s team, the team supported by 69% of Americans year in and year out.
HOU +7 @ NO: Last but not least, and perhaps the most surprising, Gus picked Houston against the Saints. The Saints are my personal choice to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl, and for good reason. Brees, Thomas, Kamara, the addition of Cook, a good line on both sides of the ball, and a dominant cornerback makes me confident they will be just as good as they were last year. Houston on the other hand just traded away Clowney and let the mother fucking Honey Badger and Kareem Jackson leave in free agency. Tunsil and Stills are not jokes, but adding them a week before the season is setting them up to fail early on in the season, especially against a team like the Saints. Pick the Saints, don’t over think this.
Do your wallets a favor and listen to me.
*Keep kneeling Leff.
**I may be in Spain for two of the weekends. Ideally, I can text the picks in. If not, we will be two weeks short. Deal with it.
***I cannot give legal advice. Also, this advice is likely wrong.
****Go read the 13th Amendment.
*****If Sacko is a repeat Sacko, then no corn muffins for that fucker.