Not Your Father’s Power Rankings: Jonas Brother’s Edition

Im Hot… Your cold…

The Prudential Center was absolutely “burnin’ up” on Friday night. The Jonas Brothers had finally returned home after an 11 year hiatus. As the 30 year old ogre with the lisp told me in the merch line, “Everyone knows it was Nick who broke the band up”. Well that doesn’t matter anymore Gretchen because the Jo Bros are ALL the way back!

After we secured our merch, and Victoria grabbed a 25 ounce Truly* for 18 dollars, we made our way to our seats. Section 1, Row 1, Seat 8 and 9. We weren’t sure what to expect as our tickets indicated “obstructed view”. Would I be able to see Kevin or not!? Luckily it was merely a small bundle of cables that ran vertically in front of me, nothing to worry about, crisis averted.

We came in to the end of Jordan McGraw’s (better known as Dr. Phil’s son) set. He reminded me of a sober, more poppy version of Sam Hunt. Some of the ladies were loving him but honestly I was just too jazzed to see Joe Jonas shred his dick off on guitar.

Jordan McGraw (left) and his dad (right)

**Side note: never have I been to a concert with such ease of access for men to the bathroom. I went in and was literally out numbered by women in the men’s room, Truly a sight to behold.

Bebe SEXha

Admittedly I did seek sustenance during the beginning of Bebe’s set but I will have you know one thing about her, shes thicc. She performed smash hits “Meant To Be” and “Me, Myself, and I” to a roaring response from the estrogen filled Prudential Center. To cap it all of she brought up a nice young lady on stage to sing and twerk with her as a finale, what a life changing experience for that woman. She will be telling her grand-kids one day that she shook her ass in front of 19,500 people.

Bebe twerking


The lights dimmed, a guitar riff pierced the air, there were lights and shit, then BAM! It was the freakin Jo Bro’s in the flesh! The place was deafening, think Patriot’s interception to secure the win against the Seahawks in Super Bowl XLIX except like 3 octaves higher. When I say these boys rip, I mean it, melted my freakin face off. They performed every hit from the 2002 classic “Year 3000” to the comeback anthem “Sucker” these boys had every man, woman and child jumping. The puddles across the arena could have doused the wildfires in California. It almost seems irresponsible that there wasn’t a bucket for collection below each seat in the arena. When I thought the night couldn’t get any better, it did.

The Queen of the Motherfuckin North

The VIP section was located on a platform in the back of the arena which just so happened to be directly in front of me. Sophie had to walk right past us in order to get into the VIP area and let me tell you, even in a onesie that woman is banana-lands hot. I spent the next hour watching her, watching her husband sing to thousands of screaming first year teachers and budding social media influencers. I am about 75% sure if she had stopped to talk to me instead of just waving in my direction I could have left the building with her, honestly just unlucky.

As the boys performed their 2 song encore, culminating in “Burnin’ Up” I think, I could only reflect on the magic I had just witnessed. Will I ever be able to experience something like this magic ever again? Could I learn how to play “Mandy” on guitar? Would the Path train or the NJ Transit be the better option to get home? I was left with more questions than answers. The only thing I know for sure is The Jonas Brother’s slap.

*This blog was in no way, shape or form supported by Truly Hard Seltzer

Power Rankings

  1. Frank’s Firesale
  2. Saved by Le’bell
  3. Jafar’s dumb fucking name
  4. Chalupa Batmans
  5. OJ’s Parole Board
  6. Grandma They Freed Me!
  7. When I Cum I Phillip Rivers
  8. Allen the Family
  9. Me and Mahomies
  10. Daniel MF Jones

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