Today is a National Holiday for good reason. Pot heads near and far gather together to puff the magic dragon, rip the reefer, smoke the devils lettuce and do mouth stuff with the ganja (and each other).
In honor of today’s titan of a holiday I will be ranking a host of things that you can and should do when you are high. This will include ways to get high, food to eat and more.
Most importantly though we have to start with ways to get high. You can enjoy the luxury of being a mindless zombie drifting through this hellscape that is earth a multitude of different ways. Here is my Top 5 ways to get high.
1.) Store-bought edibles – Store bought is IMPORTANT here. With legit edibles you’re able to see the exact dosage on each package and adjust your high accordingly. You don’t have to fiddle around with grinding up flower or cleaning up after. It’s a quick pop it in and drift off to sunshine land. The biggest draw back here is you’re typically high for at least a couple hours and possibly the whole day. Clear your schedule and let it ride.
2.) Out of a soda can – Sure there’s a chance that you can develop cancer but what is life without a little risk. Typically this method is reserved for the 13-18 demographic who are looking for any means necessary to get high without getting caught by their parents, or as I call them, the Fun Police or fuckin narcs. The memories you create and the bonds you share with your friends over a half crushed Coca-Cola can are irreplaceable. Bonus points if you do this on the train tracks behind your house.
3.) Joint rolled by the biggest pot head in your friend group – This is typically an A-HA moment for late high school early college kids. You finally found that one friend who can roll a joint that doesn’t get canoed in 2 seconds or the mouth piece disintegrates like a shitty Starbucks paper straw. Finally you’ve made it to the world of smoking with class, congrats. The biggest draw back here is if that friend isn’t around you aren’t able to enjoy the luxury of a nice joint and you have to devolve back to the more degenerate forms of cannabis consumption.
4.) Protein Container Gravity Bong – Clear your motherfucking schedule because you are going to be non-functional for several hours. In my opinion this form of drug consumption requires a strong combination of craftsmanship, planning, engineering and leadership. If you don’t have an individual dedicated to constructing this monstrosity it can all go array. Again the cancer risk is there but face it, if you are doing this you probably don’t value your life much to begin with (Ryan).
5. Homemade edibles (Brownie Day) – This would be #1 on the list if the volatility was not so severe. You can have one of the best days of your life (ex. Brownie Day 1.0) or you could end up like freshman Lax player Frolly and have your skin turn purple 2 hours into a 14 hour bus trip. It’s really a choose your own adventure, except you have zero choice whatsoever. Tread lightly but also no one has ever died from weed so grow up loser.
Nice you are high now! Once you have gotten high you will need to figure out your activities for the day. So our next Top 5 will be activities to do while you’re high.
1.) Two hand touch football – This is easily the best activity to do when you are high but it must be timed perfectly. You need to get to the field right before it hits so you are coherent enough to pick teams. Make sure you have a good mix of former athletes and bumbling idiots. This activity is best done with one sober person as the all time quarterback but if you want to spice it up a bit you can substitute a black out drunk friend in at QB and see where the day takes you. Don’t worry you will be moving so slow that the risk of injury is astronomically small.
2.) Pot luck dinner 😉 – it is no secret that rating is incredible when you are high but you can step up your food consumption through variety. If each person in the group orders a different food item (or 2 or 3) to share with the group it can really add depth to the meal. Imagine beginning your high with shumai, followed by some cheese fries and then a chipotle chicken panini? Heaven. Steer clear of the Matzo Ball Soup, tastes like wet Rabbi feet.
3.) Go to the Van Gogh Experience – It is the perfect combination of art, music, psychedelics and relaxation. 10/10 experience, especially if you chose to go with the pre portioned edible. You will feel like you’re right there when he kills himself!
4.) Rock Band (on easy mode) – We have already seen what it feels like to be a famous artist while our head is in the clouds, next we take on the world of rock. If you really want to step into Kurt Cobain or Eddie Vedder’s shoes you can sprinkle some crystal on top of your joint. This is a great group activity that can keep the body moving and the mind engaged with your high. For this activity I highly suggest baking out the living room of 128 W Northrup.
5.) Star gazing – Simple yet effective. Star gazing during a summer night after smoking mids out of a lightbulb is top notch. Typically this goes along with philosophical conversations about life which can be deep and meaningful or provide comedy if one person is much more blazed than the rest (Dylan). Best if enjoyed on a trampoline in Upstate New York.
You now have your mode of consumption as well as your activities planned out. Next thing you have to be cognizant of is your sustenance. There is not many things in this world that are worse than the munchies coming around and having little to no options for food. Here’s what you should have on tap when you’re celebrating this illustrious holiday.
1.) Leftovers that are good in the microwave or oven – The last half of this sentence is extremely important. If you have left over shrimp Alfredo, mashed potatoes or a turkey club you better find other options. You need something you can throw in the microwave for a minute and then just glom on like a subway rat. Might I suggest pizza, quesadillas, sesame chicken or nachos.
2.) Chinese food – now I am not a huge Chinese food guy when ordering out but I can put my pride aside to admit that there is very little that beats a platter of lo mein or General Tso’s when you’re baked off your gourd. Throw some dumplings and egg rolls in there and you’re having yourself a day.
3.) Poon (or ass) – Underrated in the weed community, the box can be a pleasant way to spend your afternoon on the moon. Similar to the Van Gogh experience you can get lost when muff diving and only really get your bearings when you come up for air. If you do a good job you might find yourself on the receiving end of a good Gluck Gluck 3000. If you eat a weak box like Jordo you could just be tiring yourself out.
4.) Pizza – This may be the thing I need to go into depth the least with. Bread, sauce and cheese, what else is better?
5.) Mexican Food – Much like Chinese you can pretty much hit your go to order from your local taqueria and just go to town. Want to get a little nuts you can order one of each taco on the menu and eat them like a flight. If you are not a fan of spicy food BEWARE of over saucing your food. Nothing worse than an hour on the toilet with a fiery butthole while everyone else is knuckles deep in a bowl of ice cream.
The last thing that is important to a day of debauchery with the boys is the company you keep. I’m going to rank the Top 5 friends to be around.
1.) The Supply – this is crucial. Rarely is there a group that all supplies their own mode of lift off. The supply is typical the guy who partakes in the most regular consumption of our dear pal cannabis. If you are a good person you throw The Supply a few extra bones for the convenience factor. Long live The Supply.
2.) The Ideas Guy – This guy is who you trust with the whole fun-ness of your day. Without an ideas guy you end up sitting in a circle and after an hour your brains are so fried you end up going to your own individual rooms to vibe alone. The ideas guy needs to be a good combo of practical and exciting. It also helps to get their brain moving before it is inhibited by foreign substances.
3.) The First – A role that is typically undervalued by other drug guys, The First is the guy who starts the movement. The Ideas Guy is the brains behind the operation but The First is the guy who takes initiative to execute along with The Ideas Guy. When he gets up from his seat he starts a movement. To be The First you need to be ready for anything and a positive force in your group.
4.) The Wildcard – The Wildcard typically gives no fucks and will do anything. Sometimes he needs to be reeled back in but all of the best stories involve The Wildcard. Typically at the end of the night you’ll find face down in one of three things: some pussy, some drugs or his own piss. Whichever one it is he won’t regret it.
5.) The Guy Who Gets Too High – an often overlooked piece of the equation, The Guy Who Gets Too High serves a vital purpose. He unites everyone the next day. The Guy Who Gets Too High always passes out before the rest of the crew gets into a the shenanigans. The next morning you spend telling that guy about everything he missed the day before. This creates a time for everyone to bond again over their shared experiences. Sorry you got too high bro, but we’re glad you did.
If you made it this far thank you and I implore you to sound off in the comments about your own Top 5 for Food, Activities, Consumption Methods and Guys. Have a blessed 4/20. God is Love, Rev Run.
Wasted Talent 