Not Your Father’s Power Rankings: Preseason Edition

Preseason Power Rankings, Familiar Faces at the Top…. and Bottom

Folks, it’s the moment you have all been waiting for, the first OFFICIAL Not Your Father’s Power Rankings have been released.  Although the rankings are unchanged from our Post-Draft rankings there are a few things I would like for each and every one of you Jabronis to take note of.

First off, Sacko is as Sacko does. The Staff Infection’s, despite Matthew Stafford being ranked ahead of the likes of Cam Newton, Matt Ryan and FUCKING DREW BREES in Chris Simms’ 2018 QB Rankings, are still sitting dead last in our preseason hierarchy.  The reasoning behind this is plain and simple fellas, Zeglen might not even look at his team until December, kids an absolute joke. Figure it out buddy, NEXT!

The surprise of the preseason might just be the emergence of Team Braun as a legitimate power in the Relevant Teams division.  Sitting just below the Chosen One himself, Don Eaves squad of studs may have enough juice to make a run at Naomi’s ample buxom in 2018.

The final significant takeaway from the first Not Your Father’s Power Ranking’s of the year is the significant revival of the fan favorite More Than A. Thielen. This boom or bust cohort will be headed by proven impact makers David Johnson, Tyreek Hill and new comer Adam Thielen.  The key for GT Salamone and his loyal soldiers will be if Andrew Luck can get back on track.  Last time I checked you can’t throw a Nerf Vortex Aero Howler in a regulation NFL game, but hey, you never know what idiotic fucking rule Roger Goodell will come up with next, so I for one have my fingers crossed for Good Ol’ Neckbeard.

Enjoy the complete Not Your Father’s Power Ranking’s below and always remember kids: HOT DOGS ARE NOT SANDWICHES.


  1. Rob Gronkowski (J. Feuer)
  2. Team Braun (D. Eaves)
  3. Smallwood Over No Wood (J. Reich)
  4. More Than A. Thielen (G. Salamone)
  5. Bad Kamara (N. Leffler)
  6. Green Eggs and Cam (R. Reed)
  7. Trust The Process (D. Keegan)
  8. The Return (D. McCann)
  9. Chalupa Batmans (J. Marchfeld)
  10. Staff Infection (N. Zeglen)

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