From A’s to F’s
Grading Each Wasted Talent Team at the Midway Point
I lieu of this weeks Matchup of the Week blog I decided to get a little meta on you. I want to look big picture at each team and what they have done right and also what they have done wrong up to this point.
Team Braun 3-4 (1-3)
At first glance it appears that Don has had a tough go of things this year. After starting off the season at #2 in the Not Your Father’s Power Rankings: Preseason Edition Don has plummeted down to number 6 this week, amassing a 3-4 record along the way. Between being plain unlucky and a string of injuries Team Braun just has not been able to put together a solid run to vault them back into a playoff position.
Devante Adams has been Team Braun’s far and away best player this season. Sitting at WR5 and benefiting from his first full season as Aaron Rodgers go-to target, Adams has provided the only shred of stability to the ever-changing lineup for Don Eaves. He will need Adams to continue to produce and others to step up in order to fulfill the expectations of the 2018 season.
Rushin Collusion 5-2 (3-1)
He has spent the entire season within the Top 3 of the Not Your Father’s Power Rankings and even after a slight hiccup last week in an embarrassing showing against the team with the least Points For going into week 7, Rushin Collusion is poised to make a strong push toward the playoffs once again. In case you were unaware Josh has never missed the playoffs, probably a fact that none of you have even heard before so I figured I would highlight it. With a recent trade to acquire JuJu Smith-Schuster from the aforementioned Team Braun, Josh has decided to take up an age old tactic this season of leaning heavily on one team. Donald and Jordan will be quick to remind Josh of his lack of rings. This banter finally may have gotten to Josh enough to try to replicate the Championship runs of the past. Will there be enough ball to go around in Pittsburgh to sustain fantasy relevance for 4 starters? We will have to wait and see.
This one is easy, James Conner. The man has been more productive through the first 6 games of this season than LeVeon Bell was in his first 6 games in 2017. If he continues to roll Josh may be able to finally hoist the Naomi above his head in December.
Me and Mahomies 4-3 (3-1)
Will he even read this? The answer to that is unequivocally no, but were still going to write about the biggest rags to riches story this league has seen all year. From the absolute pits, the Mahomies have soared like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, or dog food and cottage cheese, same thing. On the backs of Emmanuel Sanders, Patrick Mahomes and the rookie, Saquon Barkley, Zeglen has made his case for breakout star of the year. Impeccable coaching and pure will has lead the Mahomies to a 4-3 start and a 3-1 division record and there are no signs of slowing down. Look out, if this young team gets hot there is no telling what they can accomplish.
I said it previously but it bears repeating. Zeglen’s team has produced not one, not two, not three, but FOUR top 5 position players this season. Saquon, Mahomes, Sanders, and Jared Cook have been the catalyst that has produced a quick turnaround.
When I Cum I Phillip Rivers 2-5 (1-3)
The picture says it all. Ryan has just been continuously dumped on all season. Whether it be surrendering a league leading 1088.4 points (155.5 points per game), or inconsistency from stars like Golden Tate, the Cum Rivers have not been able to find their flow, pun intended. Something has to give moving forward. Teams have to stop putting up stupid numbers on Ryan right? I mean it just isn’t sustainable, or is it? Ryan ended last season on a 5 game losing streak and his luck has only continued downward. On the positive side, AJ Green and Kareem Hunt have been stellar and look to continue that trend going into the second half of our season. If Ryan can find a consistent RB2 there may be hope for a resurrection of sorts.
Phillip Rivers has thrown the ball like a truly elite passer this year, always giving his namesake a fighting chance. Even with Rivers on a bye this week Ryan still can send out a Top 10 QB in Cam Newton to hold the position down for a week.
I Love It 4-3 (3-1)
Don’s season has gone much like a typical night out for him. Everything started great, he was having fun, dancing, singing and just overall enjoying his time, the BAM! All the sudden Don is on an Albany bus bench surrounded by heroine needles and the stench of hobo shits. Though he is tied atop the Athletes and Don division, if you look up the term trending downward in the dictionary you’ll see this picture of Don trying to do light skin face right next to the definition. Though he has managed to stay afloat with the least Points For in the league this season, much like the Cum Rivers, something has to break. After an almost certain loss this week to a fully stocked Josh, Donald will look to go above .500 in the remaining 5 games of the season to have a shot at playoffs. Much like his beloved, or hated (depending how you see it) Jets, Donald is toggling back and forth between #TheTankIsOn and #TheTankIsOff.
Julio Jones, despite scoring 0 touchdowns over his first 7 games has been the workhorse Don hoped he would be this season. In order to overcome his running back deficit Julio will have to find a way to score in the second half of the season.
Jafaris Jamar Jafarison-Lamar 6-1 (3-1)
This isn’t even fun to write honestly. This team is a juggernaut and it is honestly depressing being the one who has to look at their lineup next to his. It is almost as bad as standing next to Donald in the shower. Jason will continue to roll during the regular season and we just have to hope that someone can catch this little elf on an off week in the playoffs to prevent a repeat championship. It goes without saying that with any Jason success we must highlight Keegan’s ineptitude. So fuck you Keegan.
The whole fucking team dude, seriously he has every skill player inside the top 10 of their respective position aside from Brandin Cooks. Kid is an animal.
Chalupa Batmans 4-3 (3-1)
I feel like all season Jordan and the Batmans have sat silently by, turning in one decent performance after another. Two of his three loses have come to teams scoring 190+ points. The Batmans may be the most consistent team in the league and that is something that many teams would give everything for. Jordan has made sure his boys don’t get too high or too low en route to a share of the division lead going into the second half stretch. With league play coming back up with a division that has teams who can crumble at any second, is Jordan poised to take a jump to the top of the Athletes and Don, or is he going to continue to roll around .500 all year? It all depends on his opponent because you know what you are going to get from his squad.
Kerryon Johnson broke a 70 game drought for the Detroit Lions this season by being the first player to rush for 100 yards in a game since Reggie Bush back in 2013. He has been a true gem of a rookie since the injury to Theo Riddick. If Riddick continues to be out and Johnson can be used as a true three down back this young stud may end up winning the Batmans some games down the stretch.
Grades: B+ and one mickey mouse sticker
Bad Kamara 2-5 (0-4)
Listen everybody has peaks and valleys. The Bad Kamaras may have more valleys than most but that has not changed the positivity of GM and Coach Nick Leffler. When reached for a comment he said “Who knows man, Alshon will probably break his leg and James White might lose his penis in an unfortunate smelting accident”. This team did put up the highest point total in week 7 but still sits in the bottom 3 of Points For. If Leffler can find a second reliable running back he may be able to make a run.
Matt Ryan is looking like 2016 Matt Ryan. I will let our Rumor Mill Rell take it from here.
Grade: You’ll get it next time!
More Than A. Thielen 4-3 (2-2)
While GT’s team may be named More Than A. Thielen it has been difficult to look past Adam Thielen and the season he is having this season. He, Tyreek Hill and the reemerged Andrew Luck have Greg’s team running like a well oiled machine. This team is good on top and deep as hell. With bye weeks coming up watch for GT to go on a run while the rest of the league limps through without some of their key players. Could it be the Buffalo magic spurring UB’s super fan to a strong season, find out by checking out this weeks Star of the Week.
I mentioned Adam Thielen already but it bears repeating. Thielen is a true rags to riches story. There are kids playing Fortnite for larger scholarships than he received from Minnesota State University. The chip on his shoulder has propelled him to fantasy and actual football dominance.
Vonte That Process 1-6 (1-3)
From a 3 game win streak to end the season last year and clinch a playoff birth to the 4 game skid Keegan finds himself in now it has been quite the roller coaster. With the Bills seemingly done it is difficult for Keegan to find joy in football any more this season. Will he accept his fate and start hitting the squat rack in preparation for his mini skirt this summer, or will he put his nose to the grindstone and attempt to make another miraculous comeback? God willing we don’t have to see that body in a maid’s outfit.
The quarterback position has been fruitful this year for the Process. With Drew Brees and Jared Goff each ranked inside the Top 10 Keegan can’t go wrong starting either of those studs moving forward. Lets hope the rest of the team follows the example they set.