Clash of the Titans. The Rumble in the Jungle. Battle of the Bulge (nice). What do all of these phrases have in common? They describe earth shaking, ground breaking, and history making matchups. Like The Rock vs. Stone Cold at Wrestlemania 15, or Josh vs Jason in Super Smash Brother Melee (nerds), this weeks matchup has the potential to blow the roof off of the building. Lets get into it!
Week 1 features a traditional Powerhouse in Ryan’s “Green Eggs and Cam” and an emerging superstar in Don Eaves’ “Team Braun”. We will go position by position to breakdown who has the advantage when it comes to the probable starters.
“Scam” Newton vs “The Virgin” Russell Wilson
Two proverbial Fantasy Football Superstars, Wilson and Newton may be similar players on the field, but off of it, they couldn’t be more different. For this matchup it all comes down to one thing: Style.
Lets take a look…
How is it possible that Russell Wilson STILL looks like such a dweeb in GQ? Simple answer, because he is one. Gotta give the edge to Cam Newton in this matchup because he single handedly got dudes to start buying rompers. You got Chad for Theta Beta Chi wearing a one piece jumpsuit simply because Cam Newton made it look so god damn good at Coachella.
QB Edge: Cam Newton, Green Eggs and Cam
Le’Veon Bell and Joe Mixon vs Isaiah Crowell and Kareem Hunt
At first glance you may think “This one isn’t even close, Le’Veon Bell is the best PPR back in the game, why are you still even writing about this Leff? Don’t you have a cradle to rob somewhere? Go fuck yourself.” To all of that I’d say this. That was hurtful. Moving on though! This matchup comes down to one big factor to me: Joe Mixon’s Right Hook.
Le’Veon Bell alone can’t do it all for Don Eaves, but Joe Mixon and his Mike Tyson-like power punch will provide Team Braun with the boost they need to dominate this matchup for the next 12-16 months. Hide ya kids, Hide ya wife.
RB Edge: Le’Veon Bell and Joe Mixon, Team Braun
AJ Green and Stefon Diggs vs Davante Adams and Mike Evans
What might be the most important matchup in this entire game, the wide receiver position is relatively strong for both units. Stefon Diggs and AJ Green almost mirror each other except, one is trending upwards while the other may be beginning his descent down the receiver rankings for the next 3 years until he eventually ends up putting up 1,400 yards and 13 touchdowns for the Patriots at age 34. On the other side you have Davante Adams who is finally the clear #1 for A-A-Ron until he snaps his collarbone like a twig in Week 7. Mike Evans also has carved out a prominent role in the Buccaneers offense as Jameis Winston’s primary target.
This position battle eventually will whittle down to one HUGE factor. Opposing Defense.
The Colts and San Francisco have just piss-poor defenses. Expect AJ Green and Stefon Diggs to garner both high volume targets and connect on big plays. They will combine for 19 catches for 236 yards and 3 touchdowns, you heard it here first (unless I am wrong then GT told me to write that). Gotta give it to Green Eggs and Cam on this one.
WR Edge: AJ Green and Stefon Diggs, Green Eggs and Cam
Greg Olsen vs. Evan Engram
Old and Young. Battle-tested and Unproven. White and… Youthful.
Greg Olsen has to be like 72 years old right? I feel like he has been putting up double-digit fantasy production every week since Y.A. Tittle was leading the New York Football Giants to the 1962 NFL Championship game. With that being said, while age is a huge factor there is one variable that takes precedent over all others in this head-to-head: Haircuts.
Look at Evan Engram’s beautiful locks.
I just wanna run my hands through his fro like he is R. Kelly in Remix to Ignition. Pause. Sorry I got caught up, where were we? Oh yeah, now look at Greg Olsen. Jason could do a better job butchering someone’s dome during a rave shave. Just like an old girlfriend Greg Olsen thinks he can just stop putting any effort into his appearance and we will love him just the same. GOOD TRY GREG.
TE Edge: Evan Engram, Team Braun
Golden Tate vs Amari Cooper
Golden Tate is going to waddle out on the field with his gigantic helmet looking like Stewie from Family Guy and quietly catch seven balls for 68 yards and a touchdown as usual. Amari Cooper may not have a giant head but he does have one thing that Golden Tate doesn’t, and that is our deciding factor in this matchup: Jon Gruden.
While to the casual viewer this may be a positive I am here to tell you it is ABSOLUTELY NOT. First of all, he looks like Mark Davis’ illegitimate son so thats fuckin weird. Secondly he just traded away a 27 year old All-Pro at two different positions. Yeah I know Jon Gruden isn’t the General Manager of the Raiders but I also don’t write for the New York Post so how about you fuck off, okay? Ultimately Jon Gruden may just run the ball 100 times a game and not let Derek Carr pick the pall up over his shoulders. For that reason Amari Cooper is about as relevant as Jordan Matthews this week.
Flex Edge: Golden Tate, Green Eggs and Cam
D/ST and Kicker: Seriously? We’re not doing this
Your Week 1 Matchup of the Week Winner is…..
And thats the bottom line…
Come back next week for another riveting Matchup of the Week.