Another week, another improbable Donald win, another predictable Jason domination and will we ever find out what the hell is going on with Team Braun? In this weeks Power Rankings we will take a short look at each team and dive into why they are ranked where they are. Without further adieu, your Week 6 Power Rankings.
1.) Jafaris Jamar Jafarison-Lamar (Jason Feuer) 4-1
No shocker here. Josh took over the #1 spot briefly before a 200+ point week secured that spot once again for the Jafar’s. Jason’s outlook looks strong going forward but he needs to be weary of one thing moving forward, getting too cute. Jason, you have Odell Beckham, you start Odell Beckham, simple as that. Don’t try to be a mad scientist with your lineup to optimize each week. All you have to do is start your top players and you will roll almost every single week. Even with questionable coaching decisions I see no reason to supplant Jason at the top of the league Power Rankings.
2.) Rushin Collusion (Josh Reich) 4-1
Josh, much like Jason, seemingly has nothing to worry about in the regular season. Just set it and forget it then coast to a top seed going into playoffs where you will undoubtedly choke at the least opportune time. One thing of note for Josh however is Antonio Brown. He is being accused of child endangerment. A charge that our sideline reporter Jordan “The Bear Jew” Marchfeld was quick to point out is identical to the one Adrian Peterson was suspended 6 games for back in 2014. Josh’s wide receiver depth beyond AB and Michael Thomas is shaky at best, that combined with LeVeon’s return may spell disaster for Josh at the end of the season as usual. Keep an eye on this story as it unfolds.
3.) More Than A. Thielen (GT Salamone) 3-2
This was undoubtedly the hardest slot to choose. There are a few teams that could make their case to be nipping at the heels of our Fearless Leader and the Jew King himself but none has a better argument for them than GT’s squad. The emergence of Sony Michel, the consistency of Adam Thielen and the sheer volume of Andrew Luck look to push Greg toward a deep playoff run this season. Sony Michel has continued to increase his workload and efficiency each week and when a player is trending upward you have to ride the hot hand. Let’s hope GT can continue to be as consistent as Thielen has been this season because I know I speak for everyone when I say, I don’t want to see either of the two above him win a championship this season.
4.) I Love It (Don McCann)
“Oh but he has the second lowest Points For in the League” “Oh his division is terrible” “Oh he dips his dong in toilet water!”. All of these factual statements have been said over and over by the fine people (on both sides) of this league, especially myself. But there comes a time where you have to give credit where credit is due. Donald has coached his boys up to play impeccable defense. You just CAN’T SCORE on the kid, it is a straight up fact. Until someone proves otherwise I am going to stop questioning the fantasy gods and give Donald all the credit he deserves. #TheTankIsOFF.
5.) Me and Mahomies (Nick Zeglen) 3-2
Much like he has done for the Giants offense all year, Saquon Barkley has carried the load for Zeglen AND his Mahomies. Mahomes finally came back to earth against the best defense in the league this week but he won’t be facing the likes of Myles Jack, Jalen Ramsey and AJ Bouye every week. Look for Mahomes to bounce back, and Barkley to stay consistent. I am weary of the receiving core here. Sanders is the only player you can truly trust. Zeglen is going to have to hope for big plays from Kenny Stills and possibly Mike Williams if he is going to sustain his top tier success this season.
6.) Chalupa Batmans (Jordan Marchfeld) 3-2
Watch out folks Jordan is on a heater! A two game win streak and #TheTankIsOFF is trending world wide as the Jets pounded the Broncos. Things are looking up for the Batmans as they take over the 6th and final playoff spot in our rankings this week. Even though the Golden Child Calvin Ridley came back to earth this week. Jordan was able to ride some garbage time heroics from Zach Ertz and Aaron Rodgers to another W. Is Demaryius Thomas good again? That will be the question that may define the Batmans season. Jordan’s wide receivers may be one of the least impressive bunch on paper in the league but the kid will scratch and claw until he puts together a lineup that is serviceable, at least for another week. Don’t sleep on on the Bear Jew, mostly because you will probably wake up with shit on you.
7.) When I Cum I Phillip Rivers (Ryan Reed) 1-4
Now we have made our way to the shits. Unlike Donald, Ryan’s squad is swiss cheese when it comes to their defensive production. Rooting for the ole Cum Rivers each week is like a bad recurring nightmare, he does almost everything right and still gets castrated by the rest of the league. Ryan’s Points Against is a whopping 822.8 points! That is more points than Jason has scored this season. Essentially Ryan plays Jason every week, brutal. While Ryan does have a good looking squad from top to bottom I don’t think he has any players aside from Stefon Diggs that can really light up the scoreboard and overcome his defensive woes. Expect Ryan to right the ship this week against a Saints-less Keegan. If he can’t win that one he may deserve to be even lower than he already is.
8.) Team Braun (Don Eaves) 1-4
While Don did put up solid numbers this week it remains to be seen if he can find two running backs that can actually carry the load for this squad. He has the firepower at wide receiver necessary to compete but continuously is let down by his quarterback and running back play. Will Le’Veon’s return and a healthy Joe Mixon prove to be the answer for Team Braun? I would venture to say it would but we are still a ways away from Week 8 when Le’Veon Bell claims he will return. If he fakes an injury to cash his weekly check Don may be in more trouble than we originally thought. Shame it had to happen to such a beautiful human. At least the Bills won.
9.) Vonte That Process (David Keegan) 1-4
Keegan must have gotten his coaching advice from Josh. Drew Brees going for the yards record at home against a mediocre defense? Yeah lets start Goff instead. With the Saints, aka the only good players on his team, on bye this week. I forsee a rough go of it for the Process boys. Let’s hope Keegan can use this fuck up as a learning tool moving forward. I mean the only has one position that he has to worry about making a decision at is quarterback. Figure it out buddy, the whole city of Buffalo is pulling for you and your shit sippers.
10.) Bad Kamara (Frank Leffler) 1-4
Alas, we have made our way to the bottom bitch (I think that’s a good thing in sex trafficking, not sure). Lowest Points For on the season, not much else to say. The boys are finally relatively healthy (only 3 players on IR!) it is time to put up or shut up. Oh wait I have to play Jafar this week, sick. I would appreciate you all to donate to your local JCC in lieu of flowers at my funeral this week. Bless up, praise Queen Naomi.
Checks over stripes bitch.